My Endless Nightmare

can i say that currently my life is in a big mess...i am a fucking screw up and i am emotionally and mentally depress...plus my level of depression is ultimately high that i have suicidal thoughts and can go mental anytime...

Friday

We got our result back and as u all noe i pass but get 7 for my maths n science (ammendments: i got 6 for fnn). My dad dint say anything so i thought that he was quite cool with it. So i am just being happy with whatever result i have.

Saturday

The day where i have to choose which course i want to pursue in. So i choose all the design courses and 3 business courses in H.Nitec. Thinking that my dad will be cool with what ive choose. My all my thoughts were wrong. He end up screaming at me and telling me why shld i go to accounting in H.Nitec when my maths is 7. Its no use cause i am gonna fail and fail and end up being a low class accountant. I tried to state my point that if i go H.Nitec, i am willing to retake my O. But NO he dint even give me a chance to speak up for myself. And the fucking thing is he accused me of not putting on effort for my maths and science when the real thing is i did!! Damn him. And he yelled at me and asked me to retake my Os back. Like duh..that is what i fucking want and u dont fucking listen to me. Fucking asshole...

In conclusion to my JAE courses, he choose all the design course for me and eliminate the courses in ITE. And he arrange it in a particular order that most of the courses is 99% i cant get in. Plus he dint put that apparel design n merchandising course that i really want if i have to go to design school. TELL ME HOW SUCKS MY LIFE IS IN JUST ONE DAY

Sunday

Go to ITE with my fucking red eyes. I applied the courses thru the internet and follow what ive been told to do. Then in the afternoon, aisyah came to my hse cause she wants to apply JAE. So while she applying i tried to connect the printer wire cable. But the whole thing is offline eventhough ive tried inserting it in the right socket. So i asked my dad to helped me, but NO he did not helped me. So being furious at him, i snapped at aisyah and told her to come on another day so collect her print out. When aisyah was gone, he told me that i was being bloody rude and thats why he dint want to help me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!! HE'S BEING BLOODY UNREASONABLE!!! And at night, ive lost nearly everything that i love and why must it end so fast. One day, i was the happiest girl in the world. The next day, my whole life is just crumbling.

So in conclusion, i wrote to my dad a letter explaining to him what i want in life. Was hoping that he will think back and react resonably.

Monday

Woke up in the morning cause i need to accompany Lea to BDS and ITE East for her appeal in Sports Management. So before i left the hse, i perk up my courage to give my dad the letter that i wrote and hope he reads it. So the day went smoothly. I met up with HIM and he gave me a V Day Present. Haha..so sweet..and during that time i think i felt something that ive never felt before. Maybe it was love...but its a day to late for me to realise the whole thing...i just need to get over and done with it...eventough it will be hard. Then Lea n me met up with Clare and Seha..we went to orchard and walk and walk since all 4 of us nearly have the same problems. We release our tension by window shopping and trying own clothes, finding gift for teachers who is very dear to us and trying to cool down our high level of depression.

So we went home at nearly 9, and guess what happen when i went home. Hahahaha...i think i am going mental..my mom gave me her oh-i-so-am-mad-with-you face and my sis just smirked at me. FEEL THAT!! MY FAMILY HATES ME THINKING THAT I AM JUST A BURDEN!! my dad talks to me and told me that he dint even read what i wrote in that letter and asked my mom and sis to read it..FINE WANT TO HUMILIATES ME GO ON I DONT FUCKING CARE OKAY!! and he told me that is the stupiest thing ive ever done. I DUN FUCKING CARE ITS MY LIFE YOUR RUINING OKAY!!! and he asked me what i want..i told him i want to retake my Os and go take accounting in H.Nitec. and he told me that no ite for me. He rather send me to commercial schools like TMC or PSB rather than that institute. I was like fine then. AS LONG AS U DUN FUCKING CONTROL MY LIFE!! He list the things i will do if i dun get into that architectural design course.

1)Retake Maths n Science
2)Go commercial school till get a diploma or degree
3)Upgrade my violin skills
4)Create my own website

and i can fucking go out with my friends during weekends...i was like FINE THEN I LIKE THAT WAY RATHER THAN U CONTROLLING WHAT I DO AT HOME

To sum up: in just 3 days this great ordeal is too pressurising and un-handle-able. And my eyes is in pain for crying 24 hrs in 3 days. I dont think i have any tears left with me. And if u readers think that i need sympathy and begging for love. JUST FUCK OFF BECAUSE I AM NO SYMPATHATIC GIRL!!! I dont need self pity and if u just dont like whatever i wrote here just leave this blog. I dint force u to read it in the first place. THIS IS MY FUCKING RANT I WILL SAY WHATEVER I WANT!!!